Christmas 2025

Wow, you really decided to talk a big game when it came down to Christmas meal planning. Exactly what were you thinking when you agreed to be in charge of desserts, breads, AND potatoes? You WEREN’T thinking; that’s the problem. You were one week away from your last day at the job you just quit, a job where you have worked for 20 years and maybe the playlist you fired up every morning for the past year while you were in the shower that started with Beyonce’s “Break My Soul” (featuring Big Freedia) sunk in a little too deep because—again—were you really thinking when you decided to release your job and forget the rest? There were far too many things in your mind that day your dad was texting you about the menu (why one of the things in your mind wasn’t HOW TO GET INSURANCE you’ll never know, but it’s a little too late for that now isn’t it?) and you didn’t have a firm PLAN about the potatoes but you had some IDEAS for the desserts and BREAD is one of your favorite things in the world, so how hard can it be? In the olden days, you could have just bought some fancy premade pies and microwave-ready mashed potatoes and a couple of baguettes and called it a day, but now you have no MONEY to drop on a fancy pie (or insurance, for that matter) and also you’ve already committed to these specific recipes in your head and now you’re an internationally beloved author and cooking influencer so you can no longer get away with half-assing your way through meals and besides these were speedy reels on Instagram so they can’t be THAT complicated but now you’ve just started looking at the lists of ingredients and pulling things out of your cabinets and you still have to go buy CREAM OF TARTAR and there’s no way to know if that Ziploc bag that looks like it’s full of flour actually IS flour or even how long it’s been on the top shelf of the cabinet and you STILL haven’t gotten over that day from decades ago when you opened the flour canister to see tiny bugs in there so you might as well buy some more flour too while you’re at the store an throw that Ziploc away and SWEET LORD how are there so many things on your shopping list at 2:30pm on December 23 wow can’t you plan ANYTHING in advance?

1. Put groceries away. Feed all the animals, which makes it sound like you live on a farm, even though you do not. Just order some stuff online that will work for your dad, even though it isn’t what you were looking for but will arrive between 7am and 10am. Whatever.

2. Pour gin into a nearly empty jar of Bonne Maman cherry preserves. You probably have some kind of mixer around here but you’re too tired to look. Add ice, replace lid, and shake vigorously. Turn on tv to maybe watch a Christmas episode of Friends or something while you’re relaxing for just a minute. Then it’s time to bake.

3. Flip over to HBO Max to see the words “New Episode” over the Heated Rivalries tile. Flip out a little bit. Who cares about Friends now? You had planned to watch the HR finale on Thursday but if it’s somehow out now, watching it will sort of make up for your Petco crush not being there today. Take big swig of cherry preserves martini and press play.

4. So it’s still last week’s episode and now you’re sad. Drink more martini and search for Friends after all.

5. Oops, three episodes have passed and now you’ve finished your martini. Time to get back on track. It’s fine. You LIKE Friends.

6. Pour tequila and Cointreau into another nearly empty Bonne Maman cherry preserves jar. Add some frozen cherries, tart cherry juice, and some coconut milk. (You really should be using heavy cream, but you only bought a quart and you already need 1 quart PLUS 1/2 cup but it made no sense to buy another carton just for that 1/2 cup although if you had thought about making this margarita when you were still at the store that would have been good motivation to buy the other carton and for at least the fifth time today you wish you could go back in time and make some slightly different choices.) Shake vigorously.

7. Time to open all the Amazon packages that arrived while you were shopping. One of those boxes has to be that light up tree you bought because the concept of bringing all the decorations home from your storage unit makes you want to cry a little bit. Maybe putting up the tree will make you feel more festive, because all the Christmas music in all the stores certainly didn’t do it. That last one played three different versions of "Winter Wonderland" (but not the one you wanted) within like twenty minutes and the result is a decidedly unfestive mood. Now the kid upstairs is singing something but it doesn’t sound like a Christmas song and it doesn’t sound good and apparently you can’t turn up the tv loudly enough to drown it out and also this tree is much shorter than you thought it would be even though you have previously purchased a five foot tree and had this exact same experience but storage is not an option and at least the light is nice in the living room since you haven’t bothered to open that ambient lighting system you bought on Black Friday BEFORE YOU DECIDED TO QUIT YOUR JOB.

8. Pour gin into nearly empty jar of Bonne Maman cherry pie filling leftover from Thanksgiving. This jar is larger so you have room for more gin. Add some orange cello (make plans to look that up later). Add ice. Shake vigorously. And now somehow the second episode of Stranger Things you had planned to watch tonight is over and you’re done until Christmas but you’re clearly not going to bake anything tonight and you know what sounds really good: A movie where Rebecca Ferguson kicks some ass except you’ve seen all her movies and now Victor Garber is on the screen instead and you do not know what Netflix autoplay just selected for you but the music is tense so something is about to happen but also WOAH it’s almost 11pm and this evening really did not go as planned you’re going to have to get up early for baking tomorrow.

9. LOL

(to be continued...)