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Better Late Than Never
Sometimes one's thirst is just too strong to ignore. And when you've had the week I've had, you don't even try. So we all have to wait for a nice Sunday morning when the wind chill is 28 degrees outside and rather than going out to put antifreeze in my car, I decide to settle down to a nice episode of Top Chef.
OBSERVATION #1: OK, Bravo, we get it. You have it bad for Keanu. But this new trend of showing us the chefs outside of the kitchen is really grating on my nerves. And not in a good cooking sort of way.
OBSERVATION #2: Padma's inexplicable pigtails have forced me to abandon my usual intermittent observations and plunge right into this one. What are you thinking, Padma? Why do you look like an ad for Old Navy? This is like that scene in Cruel Intentions when Reese Witherspoon is sitting on her bed in white pajamas and Ryan Phillipe comes in while she's putting her hair in pigtails and realizes that he's really in love with her, but he can't do anything about it, because of his bet with Sarah Michelle Gellar. Actually, it's nothing like that, but the pigtails are the same (well, similar), and that's the most important thing right now.
Debbie (Ariane): Apparently all Debbie is good for is cooking meat. It doesn't have to look pretty - her job is to stand by the oven and watch the lamb. Or turkey. Or tomatoes. Wait, what was I saying?
Hootie Hoo! (Carla): Oh Lowly, thank you for the gift you have given us. Thank you for your hootie, and your hoo and your idea that mole sauce might have peanut butter in it. Come on woman, I want you to stick around - you're too much comedy gold - but even I know that mole is made from chocolate. But you got a bum rap with your salad. No one wants to be happily eating a salad (if that's possible) only to find that their plate has been spiked with mushrooms. And the mushrooms can make you really sick during your 9th grade choir concert, especially if you're also taking migraine medicine. Either that, or I just fell asleep and woke up in the middle of an episode of House. They both feature a floppy-haired Dr. Chase, so it's an easy mistake to make.
OBSERVATION #3: I enjoy the bracket challenge nature of this quickfire. It gets me all ready for March Madness. When is the season finale again? Thank god for Tivo and Bravo's habit of rerunning every episode at least 27 times.
Chops (Daniel): Dude, your facial hair has kept one of your feet out the door this entire time. You know what pushed you out the rest of the way? Arguing with everyone that your food was good. I know everyone is always all "Stand by your dish!" (which would sound better if sung, but again, I digress) but when all of the judges are telling you how bad it was, at some point shouldn't a little bit of reality sink in? Can't you just admit that maybe, just maybe, your food wasn't as awesome as you think it is? Then again, maybe your barber also tells you that your beard looks stupid, and clearly you don't listen to him. The only thing more embarrassing than your colossal failure in the kitchen was your need to do barbell flies on the balcony while talking to Samebird about the whole "let them make their own sushi" plan.
Fabio: I'm pretty sure green and yellow don't make blue. (Someone please correct me if I'm wrong.) Then again, maybe that's not what you said. I like how all the ladies clapped for you, even though they have no idea what you're talking about. What have we learned here, kids? Accents go a long way. Did you see the picture of his wife?
Samebird (Gene): Oh good lord. Hindsight bias: maybe cooking school wouldn't have been such a bad idea.
OBSERVATION #4: I'll admit to not really being able to discern the difference between the two bald finalists in the Quickfire. Or was that just me?
Canned Crab (Hosea): You have a girlfriend? And T*ts has a boyfriend? I've seen Real World - I know how this is going to shake down. One of you is going to make a phone call to your significant other (which we'll probably see, courtesy of Bravo's asinine relationship mini-sodes) and tell her that you're really confused, and you love her, but you just don't know. And then you'll cry. Then, feeling guilty, you'll go into T*ts' room and cuddle up with her under the covers. Where it goes from there is strictly Big Brother territory. Please, Bravo, don't stoop that low. Oh. Good job on guessing the thai basil and stuff.
Rainbow Brite (Jamie): If you don't stop whining about never winning and always coming in second, I am going to hit you in the head with a soup spoon. That's right. A soup spoon. Because maybe if you would just stop pureeing things FOR EVERY SINGLE CHALLENGE the judges might be more impressed with you. Haven't you noticed that Debbie keeps winning? The judges like meat. Not mush.
Keanu (Jeff): Duuude. It was clearly not crab in the bouillabaisse. That's why it's called Shrimp and Lobster Bouillabaisse. Can't you read the writing at the bottom of the screen? (Yes, I know that was only there for our benefit, but we've already covered his weekly shirtless montage and I don't have anything to say about tomatoes.)
OBSERVATION #5: The head editor of Food & Wine magazine is way too thin (and don't get me started on those bangs). She's clearly the type of person who tastes wine and then spits it into the bucket. What's the point of that? You know Gail just tosses 'em back and asks for more.
T8ts McGoo (Leah): Your boyfriend is not going to be pleased with you when you get home. In addition to your Canned Crab dalliances (just friends, my ass) you let yourself get sweet-talked by Fabio's Chilean Sea Bass plan. If we'd spent more time watching your team cook, I guarantee we would have seen you flip your hair.
Bangs (Melissa): This week you should be called backwards trucker hat, but I'm going to pretend I didn't see it. I have to think that we saw your regular stupid hair, because if I let myself believe that you seriously wore that idiotic hat (BACKWARDS!) for the entire episode, I will gouge my eyes out.
OBSERVATION #6: I was looking forward to a nice Gail-centric episode. But then she had to get all mushy and talk about how much she loves all her strong independent lady friends. I could practically hear Beyonce in the background. Sadly, someone liked it and put a ring on it, so she'll be leaving soon for what I can only assume will be a huge Padma-hosted wedding, catered by Tom. Followed by a honeymoon where she will eat nothing but Twinkies and shrimp cocktails. Come on, her inner sorority girl has to come out sometime, right? We'll miss you Gail.
India (Radhika): Would you just own up to the fact that all you know how to do is make Indian food? I don't care either way. Just be self aware, please.
The Swedish Chef (Stefan): Does someone need to explain lesbians to SC? It's not like they turn straight when you get them drunk. Or make pants for their stuffed animals out of a pot holder. You are seriously out of control this week. Why do you get so riled up about a tomato? And "Douchey-Hosea"? Boo. Leave the nicknames to me.
OBSERVATION #7: Let's talk food for a moment. Wilted Kale does not sound appetizing. And what the hell is a Swiss Chard? Because if it doesn't have to be opened with a corkscrew, I'm not interested.Labels: top chef
Sunday, December 14, 2008 link
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Not Very Amuse-ing
My friend Tom thinks it would be more beneficial for me to write books or plays or sitcoms instead of watching and recapping Top Chef. But I don't have that kind of discipline, and besides, I'm pretty sure it would seriously cut into my drinking time. If I write for too long, I get distracted and the ice in my scotch gets melty.
On that note:
OBSERVATION #1: If I were the judges I would be knocking back serious wine at dinner. I need to see some reactions, and alcohol has to be the best way to force them to stop standing there passively saying "mmmm" before moving on. I appreciate chefs who make something so unsavory that the judges spit out the food. Maybe the producers of Real World could come in and shake things up. Picture it: Padma tries ham and egg soup, does a shot of tequila off Gayle's neck and then jumps naked into the pool.
Madras (Alex): Are you kidding me? When you were getting dressed right at the top of the show, I thought maybe the plaid well had run dry. After all, how much beachwear can one man own without also owning a yacht? Clearly I was wrong. I was going to give you a pass when the hat reappeared, because I was at least prepared for it. But you hurt me, Alex, with the appearance of the madras clamdiggers at the Whole Foods (not to mention the green sock fiasco - seriously, you're a complete disaster - I shudder to think about what you're wearing at the wedding which you won't stop talking about). And while we're on the subject, why do half the chefs appear to favor pants that are too short? We made fun of those kids in grade school, but now highwaters are fashionable and/or functional? Don't give me this nonsense about how they have to run around all the time and they don't want to trip on their cuffs. Do you see me rolling up the legs of my suit pants?
Debbie Downer (Ariane): Debbie, I don't quite know what to do with you. I refuse to call you a cougar or the hot old lady. And I'm pretty sure that DD is still lurking beneath the surface of all the winning. Don't make me start to like you. Then I'll just be mad about the first two weeks, and I'm not letting go of that grudge.
Lowly Worm (Carla): As many have cleverly noted, Carla bears a strong resemblance to a Richard Scarry illustration. Never more so than when her hair is down (and flat!) like it was tonight. And as she did virtually nothing tonight except scream when DD won the elimination challenge, I look forward to next week's low pigtails look and perhaps yet another nickname.
OBSERVATION #2: Last season, I instantly liked Richard and Stephanie and knew that I wanted one of them to win. I don't feel that way about anyone this season. Does anyone else feel that way?
Chops (Danny): Looks like last week was just a semi-stubbley phase, because the chops were out in full force tonight. Has anyone ever had a zucchini flower? They creep me out...even more so when encased in corn flakes, not unlike a cocoon. I think Chops' on-camera work would be more at home on the Food Network, perhaps co-starring with Guy Fieri or Michael Symon. And perhaps I watch too much food based
programming.
Fabio: You are incomprehensible to me in a so many ways, I barely know where to start. Let's just sad that I'm disappointed you didn't get to be on the Today show, because watching Kathie Lee try to understand what you say would have been comedy gold. Interesting use of delayed self-awareness when you realized that when Rocco tells you to use bacon in something, maybe you shouldn't make a dessert.
Little Rock (Gene): Bye week.
Canned Crab (Hosea): This isn't Survivor, dude. An alliance with T*ts isn't going to help you. I might have given you a bye if we hadn't been treated to yet another Bravo mini-sode masquerading as a return from the commercial break.
Rainbow Brite (Jamie): Don't worry about that raw egg. Way to really pull out the Lisa tonight. Folding her arms and scowling certainly worked for her, so why not? You're now the token angry lesbian chef, who is doomed to live in the bottom three for the next six weeks. Keep wearing that rainbow bracelet (and t-shirt - why no mention of that in your confessional about how you're the strongest member of Team Rainbow?) and you'll rock your way to the finals.
OBSERVATION #3: Rocco Dispirito really missed his calling as a cooking competition judge. Meredith Viera did not. Come on, Mer. Don't tell everyone that you don't like watermelon. Just don't take any. You know that Padma doesn't eat everything they put in front of her.
Keanu (Jeff): Duuuuuuuuuuuude. What's with the jerk this week? What did you call the Today ladies? A bunch of old women with unsophisticated palettes? (Or something like that - taking notes would require me to put down my scotch.) Meredith and Kathie Lee could buy and sell you fifty times - I'm pretty sure they go to fancy restaurants with some frequency. They didn't like your food because it was weird, not because it was beyond their taste. You know how they shot you "lifting weights"? (And what were those, hoss, 3 pounders?) Remember your place on Bravo. Andy Cohen doesn't really care to hear you talk.
T*ts McGoo (Leah): Oooh. Two Quickfire wins in a row. You're quite the rockstar. Until we see you cozying up to CC with all the subtlety of a freshman waiting to get asked to homecoming. I know you're the Lohan of the season, but I wonder if you would have been worse off than Madras if you hadn't had the immunity? Put on a plaid hat next week and let's find out. Clearly acting superior about your amuse-bouche fortitude is only going to get you so far.
Bangs (Melissa): Wow. That was...wow. I thought you were going to be comic relief with dancing to the Foos. But...wow. Not funny anymore. If you were a lesbian, you'd give Jamie a run for her money.
OBSERVATION #4: Was last season this cliquey? I don't remember it being quite so middle school. Next they're going to start having rainbow parties and playing the pass out game (note to whoever I was talking to at dinner - the other name is "suffocation roulette").
India (Radhika): I swear I was just waiting for you to tell us that you put curry in those potato things. Thank you for not doing it. Or if you did, thank you for not sharing.
The Swedish Chef (Stefan): Why did he keep saying he was from California? Isn't the whole point that he's from Europe? You can have it both ways, man. I'll let it slide this week, but let's not let it happen again.
OBSERVATION #5: I could go for an amuse-bouche right now.Labels: top chef
Friday, December 05, 2008 link
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Thanksgiving Leftovers
I just finished eating a plate of warmed up ham, turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and apple pie. And it dawned on me that I hadn't yet passed judgment on last week's crap-tastic Top Chef. As always, chefs are in alphabetical order, based on their real first names.
Madras (Alex): Are you kidding me with this? I thought at some point you'd give us an episode where you don't look like an extra from CSI: Miami, but clearly I was wrong. Exactly how many plaid items do you own? Stop. Please, just stop.
Debbie Downer (Ariane): A much better nickname coined by the EW recap readers. (Thanks kids.) DD, I'm glad that you could rise to the occasion, much like the ready button in your turkey. You're still whiny, but I don't dislike you nearly as much as some other people.
Miss Cleo (Carla): Good lord woman. You're like Madras with all of your do-rags. And what's with making a pie for two challenges? That's not the way to win the judges over. Don't you remember? They like soup.
OBSERVATION #1: I may live in Chicago, but I have no love for Grant Achatz. He seems like a pretentious ass. I'm guessing that they didn't show him talk about his least favorite soups (product placement!) because he was downright rude to most of the cast and told them all that they sucked. You know what, Grant? Your restaurant is overpriced and annoying - just like you.
Chops (Danny): I'm glad you shaved (somewhat), but I'm still mad at you. I think it's your fault that Richard is gone. I haven't figured out how you did it yet, but I'm blaming you.
Fabio: I don't like tiramisu, but one of my friends is a server at the restaurant I went to last week, and he gave us a free one. I can only say that it was damn yummy. And that's not something I thought I'd ever say about tiramisu. So Wednesday was just a good night for tiramisu. Way to jump on the bandwagon, Fabs.
Little Rock (Gene): Major points for the impromptu grill. But that's all I got for you this week.
OBSERVATION #2: My favorite moment of the episode was when Padma exclaimed "I like ham and egg soup!" Her childlike wonder, clearly stolen from Miss Cleo, must be the result of all the food she seems to want to spit back out. She's reverted to a five-year-old, and based on Padma's resume, she is probably just as qualified as she was before.
Canned Crab (Hosea): Now that Chops has cut back, I can focus my anger on your facial hair. I think you should probably wear a hairnet on that thing. Or maybe it's just because your girlfriend T*ts McGoo is so unsavory that I am forced to dislike you as well. I think you're harmless and won't last five more episodes, but I've been wrong (ahem, Lisa) before.
OBSERVATION #3: Didn't they film this in the summer? Why are they pretending it's Thanksgiving in New York when it's clearly boiling outside? Do they really think Bravo watchers are that stupid? (Wait - they love the Real Housewives of Countless Cities - never mind.)
Rainbow Brite (Jamie): I feel bad for Rainbow. She should have won the quickfire. After all, she's the queen of soup. No one likes white asparagus, so why reward T*ts with immunity? If RB had won, Richard would have been on her team, and we wouldn't be in this situation.
Keanu (Jeff): Duuude. Enough with the spreadsheets. If I hear you talk about organizing your team one more time, I'm going to get out my label maker and stick the word "lame" to your forehead. And way to not pony up and admit that you were the leader of your team. They weren't throwing you under the bus, they were complimenting you. I think someone should cut his bangs in the middle of the night. Seems like something CC should do to make T*ts laugh.
T*ts McGoo (Leah): Speaking of, you're really unpleasant. But if everyone is going to talk about your rack (how can you see it under those chef jackets?) then I suppose I'll give you a chest-related nickname. I'm not giving you anything else today, because I don't like white asparagus and I don't like you.
OBSERVATION #4: I'm actually listening to the Foo Fighters right now, and they rule. I would have enjoyed that concert. But not if I had to see all the chefs dancing.
Bangs (Melissa): Yes, when I talk about the dancing, I'm talking about you.
India (Radhika): You totally put curry in your vegan stuffing didn't you? Well after my mom's stuffing, made with apples, cranberries and most importantly, ITALIAN SAUSAGE, I cannot agree with any stuffing made sans meat. Way to annoy me without even being on camera this week.
OBSERVATION #5: Wouldn't it have been nicer to let the losing team go to the concert but make them sit up in the nosebleed section? It's not like Team Sexy Pants (what?) won by a landslide. The producers might as well have let everyone see the Foos, but being non-jerky isn't the Bravo way.
GAY!!!! (Richard): I'm sad. But why did you keep calling those things smores? You know what a smore is, right? You were my favorite, but I love desserts, and I don't think I would have loved those banana things. Why did you put all your eggs into a slightly warmed graham cracker basket? I can make those things myself. You should have grabbed some liquid nitrogen and frozen the stupid bananas like you wanted to in the first place.
The Swedish Chef (Stefan): It has now been almost a week since I watched this episode, so I have forgotten pretty much everything about you. Oh well.
OBSERVATION #6: Seriously, this Foo Fighters album is great. Y'all should pick it up.Labels: Fall TV, top chef
Tuesday, December 02, 2008 link
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Hot Dogs? Really?
OBSERVATION #1: I can safely say that I never want to see a hot dog being made again. Although none of them actually made a hot dog (can you consider a sausage to be a hot dog?), there's something really creepy about squeezing meat into a tube of plastic. That quickfire was lame. But not as lame as Jill. Her rice paper nonsense looked like what Asian moms make for their third grader, right when they come home from their genius school to watch Yu-Gi-Oh! and practice the piano. While doing math. And maybe titrating some sort of chemical reaction.
Again, in alphabetical order of their real names.
Madras (Alex): We didn't see much of you this episode, but what we did see, I did not care for. The hat is in your headshot. Please do not wear it on the show. Additionally your combination of army green capris and yellow sneakers may have eluded some viewers eyes, but not mine. You're going to be my fashion albatross for this show, I can tell.
Jersey Girl (Ariane): Staggering. Much like the J.Lo/Ben Affleck disaster, you continue to disappoint. And you do it with a whine in your voice that grates on my nerves more than Miss Cleo's constant childlike wonder. Don't like baking? Don't have a sweet tooth? Maybe you shouldn't join the dessert team. Although the douches in the restaurant clearly posess heads too large for any chef's hat, you don't deserve to be here. And you got lucky. Really lucky. Way to not suck the absolute most two weeks in a row.
Miss Cleo (Carla): You're lucky I (and the judges) like pie, because that sad little piece of cheese could have been your downfall. But I don't know how much longer I can handle your many multi-colored do-rags. Or your crazy eyes. I'm concerned that you might hypnotize me into watching infomercials at three in the morning, and I just
don't have that kind of time.
Chops (Danny): Still no offense, aside from the weird chops/beard combo. I'll give you a bye this week.
OBSERVATION #2: I could see in a brief flash as the group was about to leave the house that someone was wearing flip flops. I find this as inappropriate in a kitchen as I do a scene shop, but I am often outvoted. I can honestly say that I was distracted for about 1/3 of this episode trying to find the offending party. Damn you Bravo, and your speedy camera work!
Fabio (dude, your actual name is a nickname): Seriously, what language are you speaking? And I like how you say the Europeans are even. I'm pretty sure the other dude is still one up on you. Way to jump down the judges throats for no reason. Your foreign angst probably scared them into giving you the prize.
Little Rock (Gene): I was going to give you a bye, but don't think that I didn't notice you wearing a towel on your head like a turban. And if that wasn't a towel, but an actual hat? Well, then we're going to have some problems.
Canned Crab (Hosea): This is one of those times that you really wish you could taste what they're making (not that I like crab anyway - I would have ordered...actually none of the apps looked good, so I would have just hung out at the bar for a while, until the entree arrived). I love that even after they told 3/6 people their food was good, he still thought he had a chance to win. Way to be deluded, man.
Rainbow Brite (Jamie): You know what they say about soups being really hard on this show. Personally, I don't get it, but it always seems to work when someone pulls it off.
OBSERVATION #3: How many people said "I make this all the time in my restaurant, and people love it"? Even if you do decide to play it safe, why do you all keep broadcasting it to everyone? This is clearly a creative group. And smart.
Keanu (Jeff): Duuuuude. Way to get out your notebook and get everyone organized. That obviously took a lot of work. You're clearly going to be the Bravo eye candy of this season, considering that we're two for two episodes of seeing you without your shirt.
Goose Egg (Jill): Last week my only comment for you was "Who?" That has changed to "Wow." I've never seen anyone suck so royally for an entire episode. Way to save Jersey from certain death. The fact that you look like a poor man's Anne Hathaway does nothing to redeem your obviously poor cooking.
Leah: Yep. Still don't like you. Especially if your story line is going to be a romance with CC. Dude got to the couch first. Don't push him because you want to sit there too. There's plenty of room. Or better yet, go sit somewhere else. Off camera. The EW recapper called you eye candy (anyone agree?). If that's true, maybe I should start calling you Lemonhead.
Bangs (Melissa): Bye week.
India (Radhika): Oh. My. Sweet. Lord. Did you really bust out the India again? I don't care if it won you the challenge. You weren't going to be the Indian girl who cooks only Indian food. Remember? YOU SAID IT YOURSELF! Ugh. You're making me type in all caps. You make me embarrassed to be a Chicagoan.
GAY!!! (Richard): Bye week. Clearly the editors decided there was enough rainbow fun on the premiere to last us for two episodes.
OBSERVATION #4: What's with the scar on Padma's right arm? I feel like I've read something about this, but I'm too lazy this morning to look it up. I appreciate that she doesn't try to cover it up. Maybe next summer I should rock lots of tank tops so everyone can see my broken wing scar.
The Swedish Chef (Stefan): I know you're not actually Swedish, but I think this every time I look at you, so until someone else comes up with a better name, I'm sticking to it. And apparently that's all I have to say about you this week.Labels: top chef
Thursday, November 20, 2008 link
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Cook: The Review
I've been trying to figure out which song is my favorite, and they're
really all awesome. Generally they follow the same formula:
Verse
Chorus
Verse
Chorus
Bridge
Chorus - quietly, introspectively, and down an octave, without drums or bass
Repeat Chorus - and rock out.
It usually annoys me when a cd sounds like one song, but I have to
admit that I like that one song. And he breaks out of the box a few
times, so it's totally worth it. Definitely better than Daughtry and
his "songwriting partner" Ace Young.
For those of you on the I-Tunes, check out: Bar-Ba-Sol, Declaration
and Come Back to Me.
update: I now especially enjoy the block from track 4 - track 7.Labels: idol
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